Marg.

I once went out with a girl called Marg.

It was short for Margarine - quite apt as her face had a yellow tinge and was soft and pliable like butter, or some other non-specific vegetable spread.

She would often talk to me whilst sitting on the counter in the kitchen as she smeared jam over herself. After a while she would fall off, landing face side down.

Soon this had happened quite a few times and I felt I had no choice but to leave her, which was a shame because she was quite pretty before.